Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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