I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
