Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
