she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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