I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
