omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
