Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
