At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
