dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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