I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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