This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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