Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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