Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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