Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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