Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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