how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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