I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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