Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
