There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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