I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
