just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
