my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
