i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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