Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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