i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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