just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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