Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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