if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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