Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
