hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
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i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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