If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
