I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
