look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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