That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"