apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm home, then i'll come over
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.