areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
