I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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