Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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