drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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