i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
