Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
