I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
