I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
