Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
