I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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