I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
