Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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