I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
