I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
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She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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