he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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