i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
