Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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