I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
