The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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