you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
