Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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