alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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