just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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